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Howdy friends!

It’s a beautiful Friday, and I just wanted to share some of that beauty with you–in the form of some great insights from other beautiful people. So, to get your weekend started off right:

Have you lost trust in your own body? Do you know how to be “healthy” but still suffer from anxiety over the fact that your body may not look, feel, or perform the way you want it to? You should probably read this article by Stefani Ruper at Paleo for Women:

Broken Bodies, Broken Trust

This extremely candid, passionate, inspiring “open letter” was written by Stacy Toth at Paleo Parents. I don’t care whether you’re over- or -under or at your perfect weight. Just go read this and start loving yourself (and other people too, mkay?)

Dear America, Get Over Your Fat Phobia

And then, for your listening pleasure, head over the Balanced Bites podcast with Liz Wolfe and Diane Sanfillipo. This week, they talk about “Paleo Pitfalls,” but they also contextualize a lot of it in body image, health vs. aesthetics, and restriction. Best insight? Eyes on your own plate, eyes on your own body.

Episode 87: Paleo Pitfalls Part 1

And, of course, if you haven’t done so already, go subscribe to the Finding Our Hunger podcast and listen to our latest episode! Our moms talk body image, eating disorders, and beauty.

Episode 009: Finding Our Hunger: UNconditional

OH! And also, Ito, the Overachieving Liar, is BACK. Go read her blog post.

Love you all. Happy Friday & stay hungry,

@MissSkinnyGenes

My mom at her Crossfit box

Hard to believe it, but we’re 9 episodes in. That’s a whole semester (for those of you out there who remember what it feels like to be in school!)

Today’s podcast episode is really special–with Mother’s Day just having passed, this episode is not only dedicated to our mothers, it also features them.

I remember when Ito and I were first talking about the guests we’d like to have on the podcast, from our friends and acquaintances to the big names in health, fitness, and wellness, and Ito said, rather off-the-cuff, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have our mothers on the podcast on Mother’s Day?”

And, frankly, it was nice. Ito and I each interviewed our mothers about what it means to be a mother, what it means to raise daughter, what it means to have a good body image–or to struggle with it, and so much more.

You can check out the podcast here, or subscribe on iTunes or Stitcher Radio. Ito’s mom’s interview begins at 4:27 and my mom’s begins at 29:35.

Ito and I also hope that this inspires you to talk to your own mother (or mother figure or female mentor, etc.) about these topics. If you have your own “mother interview,” let me know how it goes in the comments!

Stay hungry,

@MissSkinnyGenes

Two weeks later, my dog veered to the right in the middle of an un-leashed race home from the end of the block, and I ended up in a cast up to my elbow.

Two years later, on the playground, I said, “I’ve broken my left arm–but not my right.”

Within the month, an unfortunate rush to catch up with the other girl scouts on the way to the campsite bathroom (and a failure to tie my shoes before said rush) resulted in my camping out at the emergency room that night instead.

Needless to say, I’m superstitious. I always knock on wood, say “kenahora,” and do all of the requisite finger-crossing and pinch-of-salt-over-the-shoulder-ing I have to in order to make sure bad things don’t come my way.*

That being said, I did something very stupid.

In high school and college, while I was suffering from the worst side effects of PCOS (or whatever is wrong with my ovaries) and dealing with the other side effects of being the oldest child in a family that included, at one point, 8 children from various marriages, I joked, “I wish my period would go away–I’m never going to have children anyway.”

Today is the day after Mother’s Day, and I’m feeling a little pensive. I’m halfway to 27** and my period went away. There’s a good chance that, if I don’t figure out how to heal myself, I may never have children.

It’s weird that I’ve found myself thinking about this. I don’t want children–not now, anyway. I’m still a child myself. Or so it seems. Which got me thinking:

My mother is strong. Insanely strong. Ridiculously strong. Stronger than a woman should have to be.

And while this definitely applies in the literal sense (to quote Dave Asprey in a recent interview with Kelly Starrett, “My mom can deadlift your mom!”), I mean this in the emotional sense as well.

You see, I’m 26 now, the same age my mother was when she gave birth to me. My mom, who battled her own disordered relationship with food, who dealt with adversity growing up, who altered her dreams to fit the constraints imposed upon her by reality…

I don’t know how she did it. Because I know that, while there are obvious physical restrictions on my ability to procreate, there are also serious emotional road blocks I still need to conquer before I could ever even consider the thought of motherhood.

How she managed to put aside her own life in favor of looking after first mine, then my sister’s and then (much later) my little brother’s is still a mystery to me. My mother is even stronger than she looks, and while I am so so grateful for everything that she gave up to give me and my siblings life, I am also sorry. In some ways, I feel bad that, at 26 (and a half), I’m still (selfishly?) dealing with my own issues in my mother’s house–instead of moving on, growing up, and maybe even becoming a mother someday myself.

I said in a previous post that ED robbed me of 13 years of my life and left me stunted in my damaged inner 13 year old’s mindset. From the social anxiety to the fear of intimacy (both sexual and emotional), I haven’t allowed myself to develop the kinds of relationships that could ever help me feel like the “grown up” woman I’m supposed to be. And while so many of my friends post their engagement/wedding/baby photos on Facebook, I find myself spamming my networks with pictures of my dog and wondering.

My spoiled, happy baby

What if I had done things differently? If I hadn’t promised myself to ED on the day I hit puberty and had instead learned to play the field? What if I had learned to eat to nourish my body and my mind instead of alternately starving myself/overexercising and following every fad diet and quack fitness protocol the internet could show me? What if I’d been open to exploring the beautiful world of womanhood instead of starving the sex out of me?

I don’t know if I’ll ever be a mother–or even if I’ll ever find that special someone who doesn’t mind sharing the bed when ED comes for a sleepover (or someone who can help me kick ED out of the bedroom once and for all)–but it’s a thought that sometimes haunts me. Amenorrhea, anxiety…they’re more than a health threat.They’re a threat to Mother’s Day.

That said, I am glad that I don’t have children for now. I’m glad that I’m finally in a place where I can–and am willing–to work on me. I’m glad that I’m finally in a place where, if I ever get my period back, I will welcome it as a beautiful, natural, necessary part of me.

Kenahora.

2 years old and already a stress case…

If you’ve dealt with reproductive issues, how have you coped with the subtle ringing of the biological clock–even if you’re not ready to reproduce? If you have children, has disordered eating played a part in your relationship with your kids?

Stay hungry (and Happy Mother’s Day),

@MissSkinnyGenes

Doppelgänger?

PS Mom, I’m so grateful for you–your support and your love, through the best and worst, is nothing short of a miracle. I love you. <3

*I know. It sounds crazy, but combine superstition with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and you have a recipe for disaster.

**May 23 is my half-birthday. Who’s down for an un-birthday party?

Hard to believe it, but it’s already Wednesday.

I know it’s sort of out-of-character to post three days in a row, but Monday was International No Diet Day, and I’m feeling like extending the “Day” into a whole “Week.” Therefore, I have a couple of great blog posts to share with you to help you un-diet on your journey to health and wellbeing!

Do the Next Right Thing by Kelly Boaz of Fearless Nutrition. Read this post and gain the power of “instant forgiveness.”

The Negative Side to Achieving Female Abs by Madelyn Moon at Moon Fitness. Madelyn bravely shares her story of restriction in the name of “fitness.” How many of you can relate? (I know I can!)

Bet on Yourself by Jamie at H20 Heals. A very necessary reminder in times of stress or anxiety: if you won’t bet on yourself, who will?

Check out my testimonial to the ultimate awesome that is PRIMALity and its creator, Darryl Edwards, the Fitness Explorer. (And don’t forget to get his book, Paleo Fitness, when it comes out in June!)

And, of course, if you missed it yesterday, the Finding Our Hunger podcast with George Bryant is up, and you really don’t want to miss this one!

Okay. That’s all for now. What articles or blog posts have you read this week that have helped you find and keep a healthy mindset?

Have a happy Wednesday & keep being awesome,

Stay hungry,

@MissSkinnyGenes

You guys.

Remember how, a million years ago, I told you all about this amazing man called the Civilized Caveman whose story you absolutely needed to read?

Yeah. Well.

I talked to him last night, and you need to hear what he said.

That is all.

Stay hungry,

@MissSkinnyGenes

P.S. I’m serious. Go listen to the podcast now. Or subscribe on iTunes or Stitcher Radio.

P.P.S. If you missed yesterday’s post, then you missed a very important (semi-)rant about why everybody has an eating disorder.

Warning: triggers ahead. 

I am so angry.

I am so angry, and sick to my stomach. I’m sick and tired of ED. I’m sick and tired of disordered eating and triggers and anxiety, and misinformation and being lied to by the media and the government and the voice in my head.

I am sick and tired of hearing the same nutritional advice. I’m sick and tired of hearing about diets on the morning news or the covers of magazines or the Dr. Oz show or on Pinterest. If one more person says she’s going on a diet or needs to lose weight or feels fat I’m going to scream.

And I am sick and tired of holding my tongue. It’s a trigger, we have to love ourselves, there are no bad foods, etc. Etc.

Guess what? I don’t care. I have to say this, because sitting in silence is doing a service to no one. Not you. Not me.

Do you know what happened on Friday? I ran into my neighbor on his way home from a run. We chatted for a moment about health and fitness, as we often do. And I mentioned that I missed being able to workout. He asked, “What are your fitness goals?” And before I could stop myself, before I could process what the ED in my head was about to say, before I could answer something sane and right and healthy, I answered, “To not feel fat anymore.”

That came out of my mouth.

The worst kind of word vomit–the kind filled with the bile of self-hate. For no reason. I have no reason. I don’t look like I used to when I was sick. Good. I don’t look like I looked when I first started going Paleo. Fine. But I am not “fat.”

“Fat” is what you put in your coffee to make it bulletproof. “Fat” is what helps my body manufacture the cholesterol that will someday help me make the right amount of sex hormones again. “Fat” is not a thing that should be used to define a person.

I spoke with an obese woman the other night. She was beautiful, but unhealthy, stuck living in the self-definition of “fat.” She has been through therapy and recovery, through nutrition programs and every diet on the planet. She was angry and caught in her addiction, using the idea that “there is no bad food”* to justify the fact that she wasn’t at rock bottom and ready to change. She’s right. There is no bad food. There’s only food, but the problem is, we’ve been lied to about what food is.

How can she recover if she thinks that eating real food is a diet and eating diet foods will make her healthy?

I am so angry I could scream.

On the flip side, I hear my athletic, thin, fit, etc. friends cry out for help–close to rock bottom but not ready to change–when eating real food and exercising it away becomes their defense against the imagined barrage of life-ruining calorie monsters that are hiding behind doors, threatening to jump out and scare their muscles into cellulite. And they use the idea that “exercise is healthy” and “real food supports exercise goals” to justify the fact that they’re not ready to change. And they’re right. Exercise is healthy and real food supports exercise goals–but they’re more concerned with the aesthetic ramification of exercise goals that they’re petrified of gaining an ounce or losing the oft-worshipped six-pack.

I’m sick to my stomach because I know what it feels like to be one of them. I am one of them. I fight the imaginary calorie monsters every time I walk into my kitchen. Every time I limp into the gym. Every time I read a blog that says that calories don’t matter/calories do matter/look at pictures of what I ate (or didn’t eat) today. Every time. Every. Time.

I’m tired of pretending that recovery is easy in a disordered world. Just because it’s average to eat poorly (without realizing it) and talk about diets and buy the latest trendy fat loss supplement doesn’t mean it’s normal.

I’m sick to my stomach and angry as hell because we ALL have an eating disorder.

Let me say this again: we all have an eating disorder.

Even those of you who haven’t made it into the DSM-IV. Who haven’t started obsessively counting, who don’t have body dysmorphia, who haven’t nearly killed yourselves with starvation or bingeing or purging or exercise or overweight.

Do you shop the aisles at the grocery store? Have you ever said the words “I should go on a diet?” Have you ever bought a supplement, done a cleanse, believed the food pyramid or MyPlate, eaten fast food because whatever I’m a fatty ha ha ha?  We are a nation of disordered eaters.

We feel guilty for what we eat. We feel guilty for not working out hard enough to make up for what we ate. We feel guilty for ordering the french fries when our friend ordered the salad–please take some–and deprived when we’re the friend who ordered the salad–I hope she offers some of her fries. We’re so addicted to sugar that we think the problem is the size of our soda cups, not the soda inside. We read articles that demonize fat, demonize animal protein, demonize this that or the other food because there’s an agenda behind selling a diet or lifestyle or mindset or product.

We follow the asinine diets that people pin on Pinterest and expect to suddenly look like fitness models in three days and then go back to eating wheat, sugar, and processed foods like it was no big deal. We think that food equals looks equals worth. Because that is our idea of “healthy.”

You don’t have to become anorexic to have an eating disorder. We HAVE to change our idea of what healthy is. Healthy isn’t about restricting calories or working out to “make up” for the calories we do eat. Healthy isn’t being able to eat whatever the hell you want and not care about the ramifications. Healthy isn’t worrying yourself sick over the way your food makes you look in your skinny jeans.

We are not healthy. We are not recovered. We don’t even know we need recovery. We just follow the next diet plan in Shape magazine or order another round at Taco Bell and hope.

I wish I had more to offer today, but I am exhausted. I’m exhausted by the life that ED has stolen from me. I’m exhausted from the anxiety of having to be around people while they talk about food, eat food, burn off food.

I’m exhausted by the fact that I have to justify wanting to be a normal eater, not an average eater.

I want to be able to go out with my friends without being questioned, without having to ask for substitutions, without having to hope no one will notice that I ate beforehand. I want to be able to go out with my friends and not hear about diets or calories or crossfit even. I want the life that ED stole from me 13 years ago, the life that ED is slowly stealing from everyone I know, everyone with a “What I Ate Wednesday” feature on her blog, every stranger I overhear at Starbucks…

The obnoxious stock photo says it all.

I’m angry because I lost 13 years to ED.

I’m angry because I let myself lose those years.

I’m angry because I can’t stop my friends and family and loved ones from losing time to ED.

I’m angry because people who need to be aware of calories aren’t, and the people who need to stop counting them won’t.

I’m angry because #fitspiration.

I’m angry because the phrase “health food” exists.

I’m angry at having to be angry about any of this.

I’m sorry for the rant, but it’s all I have in me today:

I want to stop being angry.

I want ED to go away.

I want to recover.

I want to find normal.

And I want that for all of you, whether you’ve looked ED in the eye or not. Because he’s out there, and I don’t want him to steal the life away from another beautiful soul.

Stay hungry,

@MissSkinnyGenes

First of all, I was asked to lead an eating disorder support group, and I had my chance to do so last night. As a faithful subscriber to Murphy’s Law, I wasn’t surprised when everything didn’t go as planned; however it was a really great experience, and I hope that I can do it again soon.

Second, I’ve decided to make this “Meditation May.” I’ve been talking about doing it forever, but I keep coming up with excuses why I don’t have the time. My friend Eileen passed along this post, which was the spiritual kick in the tuchas I needed to stop finding reasons why I can’t give meditation a try. So yesterday (May 1), I forced Eileen to join me in a conference room 5 minutes before lunch, and we meditated. Just 5 minutes, but it was a much needed mental break in the middle of a stressful workday.

Third, the ever-wonderful Jamie of H2O Heals (and the first ever guest on the Finding Our Hunger Podcast!) nominated me for a “Sunshine Award”–and so I wanted to pass a little sunshine on. Here were the rules for accepting the award:

1. Include the award’s logo in a post or on your blog.
2. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
3. Nominate 10 bloggers.
4. Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.
5. Link the person who nominated you.

Ten Questions and Answers

1. Favorite color: Don’t have one–although I’m a sucker for Essie nail polish in Wicked…
2. Favorite food: Roasted brussels sprouts. (Yes, I’m that weird. And chocolate is cliché.)
3. Favorite flower: Birds of Paradise. (Hard to put in a vase, but beautiful and unique as hell!)
4. Unique activity or interest: Too many activities or interests to name, but they’re all pretty run-of-the-mill. I mean, belting obscure, pre-1950s showtunes isn’t exactly run-of-the-mill, but I try not to do it in public…anymore.*
5. Favorite season: Fall. And the first week of spring.
6. Secret passion: Online business. And playwriting, although the latter isn’t really so much a secret as something I no longer have time to focus on and haven’t done in years.
7. If you could have one wish, what would it be? To be comfortable enough in my own body to finally be free of the anxiety that keeps me from pursuing relationships (platonic, romantic, professional, etc.)
8. Favorite quote: This is a toughie. I used to carry a notebook full of quotes…Currently, I’ve been using this one as my copywriting mantra: “I didn’t have time to write you a shorter letter, so I’m writing you a long one instead.” – Mark Twain (This one will resonate with you if you’ve ever tried to write concise, punchy sales copy. Oof.)
9. Best present you’ve ever received: The surprise party my family threw on my 16th birthday.
10. Best way to spend free time: Reading (and writing) fiction in coffee shops or barefoot walks through the hills with my dog. (And, recently, playing in the grass in the park. Hooray for discovering MovNat!)

Nominations for the Sunshine Award:

(In no particular order)

1. Ito Aghayere. I have to nominate my podcasting partner in crime, The Overachieving Liar. She’s one of my favorite writers, and one of the most beautifully insightful people I’ve ever met.
2. Hadass Eviatar is a “professional enabler,” and I am so blessed to have been introduced to her by chance when we co-guested on Jimmy Moore’s Low Carb Conversations Show (episode 76).
3. Jimmy Moore. The man is a powerhouse and one of the sweetest, most selfless people I’ve ever met.
4. Dietician Cassie. Not only does she have a great “real food” nutrition blog, but she’s an incredible person to boot! Another chance contact I feel so blessed to have made, also brought into my life by Jimmy Moore!
5. Stefani Ruper. Paleo for Women is changing lives. Stefani advocates for feminism and women’s health, with her signature blend of science, theory, mindfulness, and spirituality.
6. George Bryant. Civilized Caveman Cooking Creations has been a part of my life for a while now…besides the fact that the recipes are drool-worthy (and bacon-filled), George’s candor about his eating disorder brought me to tears the first time I heard his story–and continues to inspire me today.
7. The Purely Twins. Found them back when they were Pure2Raw and I was experimenting with bodybuilding and then veganism. They’ve shared their struggles with disordered eating and acne in an incredibly candid way, and I really am thankful to have been able to follow their journey while struggling through my own.
8. Kelly Boaz. I stumbled upon Kelly’s blog by accident, and I can’t tell you how happy that accident was. (Perhaps “An Accident Waiting to Happen?”**) Kelly is using her recovery to help others by getting certified in holistic nutrition. She’s fabulous–and you can hear more from her directly on her blog Fearless Nutrition or on the Finding Our Hunger podcast.
9. Abel James. He doesn’t actually know me, because I was too much of a wuss to go and talk to him at Paleo F(X),*** but it was his podcast and blog that first helped me dive into the world of ancestral health, and it’s what helped me start to heal. So I have to give the man a shout out. He’s also got the best podcasting voice ever, so you owe it to yourself to go and check him out.
10. Eden Eats Everything. Eden doesn’t know me either–I’m a daily lurker and have been since long before I decided to recover. I don’t even remember how I found her blog, but her irreverent (very irreverent) humor, her goofy lists, and her openness about everything from her parents’ passing to flatulence makes her blog a definite source of sunshine for me.

Okay. Enough babbling. Go enjoy your Thursdays, and start triggering happy!

Stay hungry,

@MissSkinnyGenes

P.S. If you haven’t done so already, go subscribe to the Finding Our Hunger Podcast and let us know what you think by leaving a review!

*Yes, I used to belt showtunes on the subway in NYC. Did I care about the funny looks I got? No way, José. Lady in the Dark and Oh, Kay! deserve their encores, mmmkay?

**Name that musical!

***Okay, I lied. I did talk to him, but it was about 30 seconds before he got up on stage to host a panel, and it was only to take a picture of his awesome Meatza shirt for my mom.

I have no idea how it happened, but by some act of god, we got our latest episode of the Finding Our Hunger podcast up!

After two attempts to record this weekend, a car accident on 101 that forced me to take back roads (that nearly caused me to get into an accident with a guy who kept driving in my blind spot), a limp/run from my car to my house (homeowners association rules about cars in driveways…don’t ask), a two minute shower, speeding through my entire prep for work (usually takes about 45 minutes) and somehow still having time to flat iron my hair and make a cup of tea….only to have the internet connection break up about halfway through the call.

That whole long story could also be retold like this:

I had a lot of extra time this weekend. I was lucky in that I avoided traffic on 101, and even managed to maneuver out of a potential accident on the way home. I got to spend a few extra minutes outside and on my feet (which is not something I get to do often at work) on the way home. I figured out how to streamline my pre-work prep and still get a shower in (which saved me time later). And, luckily, the internet connection only took us a few minutes to figure out and remedy. In the end, we recorded a truly  awesome podcast with my cousin Kiki.

It’s all in the story you tell yourself.

If that resonates with you at all, then you’re going to love today’s podcast. Kiki is wise beyond her years–and I know that I, for one, really needed to hear her speak last night. I dare you to listen and not start seeing the glass as half full.

And don’t forget–the podcast is on iTunes or Stitcher Radio. If you subscribe, then you will automatically get to hear podcasts like this every week–and we’ve got some more amazing guests coming up! (And, please, if you like the show, leave us a review! We want to hear from you, and your reviews help others discover the podcast in iTunes!)

Hope your week is full of love and light,

Stay hungry,

@MissSkinnyGenes

After my ankle injury (and the ensuing two years of fighting the pain and the dysfunctional movement), I finally gave up. I took off the corset and gave into the fact that I just couldn’t move the way I wanted to anymore–and therefore I would have to just give up feeling beautiful in my body.

Although I still struggle with the idea that fitness and beauty are independent, it’s gotten easier to accept the fact that looking like an Oxygen model is actually an exception and not a rule.

A six pack is my corset, and I no longer want to tighten the strings.

Maybe that’s a good thing. Being physically unable to reach my own corset has forced me to learn how to breathe again. My thoughts are rearranging, like organs once constricted but now allowed to go free. I can’t look and perform like the tight-waisted waif I once was, and I’m glad.

I’ve been experimenting with this freedom of movement, learning how to trust my body to move in the ways it once moved with little effort. I find that simple actions, like kneeling and crawling, are more challenging than I could have imagined. More challenging–and more fun.

I think that’s the missing piece. Movement shouldn’t be a punishment. It shouldn’t be a prescription. It should be natural, unexpected, and fun.

This weekend, I took off my fitness corset and went to a MovNat workshop in Palo Alto. Although I still had to deal with the limitations imposed upon me by my ankle (and the repercussions of attempting to move through a limited range of motion–i.e. swelling and pain), I had a truly enjoyable time.

While I will always have a place in my heart for deadlifts (seriously), I know better now what my body can handle. I’m hoping to continue discovering new ways of making this primal movement a part of my life–especially because primal movement has nothing to do with how I look in the mirror and everything to do with my quality of life.

Bear crawl tag, anyone?

Are you still wearing the “fitness corset?” How do you find ways to move that don’t involve prescriptions, punishment, or aesthetic goals? 

Stay hungry,

@MissSkinnyGenes

Contrary to what my blog and podcast and social media addiction might make you think,  I am actually an introvert who is very bad at talking about her feelings.

And while I’ve been practicing (see: the blog, podcast, and social media addiction), I often find it difficult to approach people and let them know how I feel about them.

Today’s Trigger HAPPY Thursday has another sort of unconventional call-to-action–but, as always, stick with me and I’ll explain what I mean:

We have to learn to STOP BEING THANK-FULL.

I’m not talking about being “thankful” or grateful–by all means, that’s the best mindset trick you can pull (see THT #1!). I’m talking about being thank-FULL–feeling gratitude toward someone for something specific that they’ve done, and not expressing your thanks to them.

This is slightly different from just expressing gratitude. As those of you who follow me on Twitter know, I try to tweet my gratitude daily. But that’s more to remind me of why this is such a beautiful life to be living, to give me a chance to re-express to the universe that I recognize all of the beautiful things that the universe has given to me.

(And to those of you who are rolling your eyes right now, the jaded, Kurt Vonnegut-reading part of me is rolling my eyes too. But, trust me, it works. Writing or somehow publicly expressing your gratitude at least gives you a reason to focus on the good parts of your life. It helps you refocus your own mindset on the positive things in your life, which can help you better cope when the not-so-positive things come along.)

I find it easy, when I do this, to sort of hold onto this feeling of gratitude, almost selfishly. I bottle up the positivity, but…that seems almost unfair. So I’ve started thanking people.

And I’m not just talking about the cursory “thanks so much” to a stranger who holds open the door at Starbucks. I’m talking about putting-my-ass-on-the-line and expressing   my feelings to people I care about.  I don’t know why it was so hard for me to start doing this–perhaps years of living in disorder and anxiety, focused so narcissistically on my worries about what other people thought of me, or, perhaps, having closed myself off as an awkward child (rather than deal with the very hard task of making and keeping friends…)  But as scary as it is to show even a modicum of vulnerability, I’ve been making an effort.

For example, my little sister sent me a message the other day that she’d found one of my elementary school teachers on Facebook. This woman had had a HUGE impact on my childhood–she helped foster my love of science, as well as my love of learning, and it was in her class that I first really learned how to make close friends and use my addiction to reading to construct imaginary worlds on paper and on the playground. In an incredibly uncharacteristic move, I friended my former teacher and sent her a thank you message. Not just a “hey, nice to see you again, thanks for everything,” but a specific, genuine message expressing my thanks for the skills and experiences that she helped me grow. And it felt damn good to actually tell her how I felt.

Or even a thanks that’s been tacitly understood: I currently live in California with my mother. It’s financially the only way I can make my life–and my car loans and my student loans–work. My mom knows I’m grateful for her letting me live in her house, but on Saturday morning, just out of the blue, I decided to stop being thank-FULL and just say, “thanks.” It was weird and unexpected–for both of us–but it felt really good to transfer that thanks to her.

In a way, I feel like emptying myself of the “thanks” I’d been holding onto–and transferring them to their true owner–was almost a relief. Like the exhausted-but-happy feeling at the end of the first trip back to the gym after becoming deconditioned, I’d been holding onto the gratitude for so long that my thanking muscles felt good to be getting a little blood flow.

I’ve been trying to do this more and more lately–when it’s warranted, when it’s genuine. If we can take gratitude to the next level and make it about the other person, the person who you truly value, the person who’s made an impact…then I think we’re on the right track. Gratitude is beautiful, but it’s better when it’s shared.

I’d love to know how you’re going to “stop being thank-full”–who will you thank today?

Stay hungry (and keep triggering HAPPY!),

@MissSkinnyGenes